


Room for Light

by beautifulEnmity



Category: Servamp (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Psychological Trauma, at least I think so, happy end-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 23:13:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7777417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifulEnmity/pseuds/beautifulEnmity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuro wakes up at night, confused and scared and Mahiru tries to calm him down and help him. Kuro doesn't know why Mahiru cares for him even after knowing everything he has done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Room for Light

"Kuro? Are you okay?"

Those are the words that make Kuro's head snap up, make him look around frantically before focusing on Mahiru who's kneeling on front of him. He can't really remember where he is, what happened and why Mahiru is looking at him like that.  
Clearly concerned, pained.  
 _Worried_ about him.

He breaks eye contact to look around, only barely able to see in the dark, but he still recognises this as Mahiru bedroom. He's on top of Mahiru's bed, cowering in the corner, his knees drawn up to his chest, breathing heavily.

_What happened?_

There's a sudden touch against his arm and Kuro flinches, panic spreading throughout his body, making his heart beat painfully hard against his chest, before he remembers Mahiru in front of him, recognises Mahiru's hand.

_It's_ _okay,_ _it's_ _just Mahiru_.

Mahiru, who is now looking at him even more worried, his eyes slightly widened at seeing Kuro's reaction.  
His hand is still extended towards him.

Kuro wants to say something, to apologize although he doesn't even really know what for, just feels like he needs to, when suddenly his whole body goes stiff and a memory comes back to him.

He remembers hearing the _voices_ in his dream.

The voices that he thought he had under control, locked up in the lowest part of his consciousness.

The voices that blame him for everything.

And he remembers the shadows.

Chasing him, clawing at him and finally grabbing him and dragging him down into the darkness.

Deeper and deeper and deeper until there's nothing, only himself, alone.

He can't move, can't see, can't make a sound, can't do anything. Just exist in that terrifying darkness.

And just when he thought he was going to go crazy the voices came back.

Screaming, yelling, _blaming_ him.

_"Murderer!"_

_"You killed them!"_

_"_ _It's_ _your_ _fault!"_

_"We_ _hate_ _you - everyone does!"_

_"_ _Your_ _fault!"_

And he can't move, can't cover his ears to block them out, he can't -

It's Mahiru shaking him lightly that brings him back, body trembling and eyes blown wide in terror.  
He notices that Mahiru is saying something and he closes his eyes and tries his best to block out the memory and just focus on Mahiru's voice, just focus on the feeling of Mahiru next to him.

"-going on? What is happening, Kuro? Are you alright? Please tell me what's happening!"

There's a urgency in Mahiru's voice that makes Kuro open his eyes again and look at him, look at his face that is the definition of worry and alarm, his eyes locked onto him with something hiding inside of them that seems akin to despair.

Kuro doesn't say anything and just stares at Mahiru, which makes his Eve lean forward, slowly extending his hand towards him again, trying not to startle him again.  
Mahiru cups his face with his hand, gentle, before asking Kuro again, this time sounding so utterly worried, almost scared.

"Kuro, what is wrong? Please tell me..."

Mahiru does sound scared, but Kuro realises that he is not scared of _him_ , but rather of the fact that there is something wrong with him.  
He is worried _about_ him.

And Kuro opens his mouth and wants to speak, to tell Mahiru that everything is okay, that _he_ is okay, although he obviously isn't, tell him that everything is fine and he shouldn't worry about him.

Because Kuro can't stand to see that look on Mahiru's face.  
He doesn't want Mahiru to look like that because of _him_.  
And suddenly the voices are back, they escaped from his dreams and found their way inside his head, screaming and shouting at him.

_"_ _The only_ _thing you_ _do is_ _cause misery wherever you go!"_

_"You can never_ _make_ _someone happy!"_

_"_ _You're_ _the_ _reason_ _that_ _everyone_ _is_ _suffering_ _!"_

_"_ _It's_ _your_ _fault!"_

_"_ _It's_ _your_ _fault!"_

_**"**_ _ **It's**_ _**your**_ _ **fault!"**_

And Kuro winces because he know they're right. They always were.  
It's _his_ fault all of this is happening.  
It's _his_ fault that Mahiru got dragged into this.

_It's_ _his_ _fault_ _it's_ _his_ _fault_ _it's_ _his fault it's his fault it's his fault!_

"I'm sorry."

He focuses back on Mahiru, the words he just said burning inside his throat, his mouth.  
He is so so sorry.

He just stares at Mahiru, the guilt building up inside him, spreading through his body until he only consists of _guilt,_ black, heavy, crushing guilt, as he mutters those words over and over, although he knows that this won't help.  
Apologies won't wash the guilt away.  
He still continues and watches as Mahiru's expression begins to shift, changing into something soft and warm and _understanding_ that makes the voices scream _"Guilty!_ _Guilty_ _! Guilty!"_ at a deafening level.

How can Mahiru look at him like this?  
He knows what Kuro has done, has _seen_ it, every little detail of what he did.  
So how can he look at him like everything is okay? How can he look at Kuro with that soft, understanding expression that makes clear that he _does not_ understand at all because if he would, he would know that Kuro did not deserve to be looked at like that.  
He would know that he should despise him for what he did.

"It's okay. I understand."

And Kuro wants to scream at him that he should just act like he _does_ understand then, that he should hate him and tell him to leave and never come back, but all that comes out is a broken sob.  
He can still feel Mahiru's warm hand against his face and feel him looking at him with that expression. That caring, _loving_ expression.  
And he can't handle this, can't deal with this.  
He doesn't know what he's supposed to do.  
Mahiru doesn't hate him - _why_ _doesn't_ _he hate him?_

And it's then that Kuro just let's himself fall forward, head hitting Mahiru's chest, hands grabbing the back of Mahiru's shirt and starts crying.  
He makes no sound, the tears silently falling and falling, wetting Mahiru's shirt, but he doesn't push him away.

He has never cried, not once and now there are so many tears that he feels as if he's drowning.  
He's drowning and Mahiru is the one who saves him.  
There are hands rubbing soothingly over his back, pressing him closer into the warmth, the light that is Mahiru.

"It's okay, Kuro," he hears Mahiru whisper, "It's not your fault."

And it's as if the world had just stopped. Kuro has stopped breathing, his tears have stopped falling.  
It feels as if part of the black guilt inside Kuro had started to crack and let a few rays of light inside.

"It's not your fault."

He hears Mahiru say it again and the darkness cracks open just a bit more.  
Then suddenly he can feel a pair of warm lips pressed against his forehead and he tilts his head up, eyes wide in shock at the gesture.  
And Kuro feels like he can see inside of Mahiru, see the very core of him.  
Mahiru is filled with a warm light that seeps out of him at the places where they are touching and flows right into Kuro.

And Mahiru says "It's okay, everything is going to be okay." with such confidence while he's still pressed against Kuro that he can feel how the guilt inside of him continues to crack and lets more and more of Mahiru's light inside of him.  
And with all that light comes a feeling of belonging that settles itself right into Kuro's heart, makes him relax against Mahiru's warm body that is holding him upright.  
With his arms still holding onto Mahiru, Kuro feels like there's something inside of him changing as the darkness makes room for the light.


End file.
